Assistant Needed

By Grace Bradley, editor

As my stable of authors continues to grow, I find myself needing more hours in the day. Since that is clearly not a possibility, I decided to bring in some help. Piper came very highly recommended, the purrfect editing assistant. She has it all—intelligence, good looks, a fondness for cheap lunches out of a can. I really didn’t see any way this could go wrong. But she’s been on the job for three weeks now and my schedule is not any less hectic. In fact, I’m working just as much as I ever did and the grocery store runs for Fancy Feast are cutting into my work day.

I can credit Piper with one thing, and that is her ability to keep a close eye on office inventory. She pointed out to me recently that we are running low on red and pink pens. This is a problem for two reasons. First, I can’t edit without them. Second, I buy them in a twelve pack. This can only mean that I’m getting some messy manuscripts. Piper has one thing to say about that: Self-edit.

Either this manuscript is really awful or Piper hasn’t taken her morning cat nap. She’s falling asleep on the job. You’ve got to grab her on the first page, folks. Unless you’re writing about the extra-groovy feeling your character gets while imbibing in catnip or sharing a can of minced meat with the one they love, you’ll lose her. She neglected to tell me in her interview that she had been spayed. Sex scenes will not do it for her. This is a problem, considering what I contract.

She’s taken over the office like she owns the place. Here she is again, falling down on the job. I’ve tried to give her the benefit of the doubt, but this is an internal submission from one of my best authors. It certainly shouldn’t put her to sleep. So sadly, I must let her go as my editing assistant. I think I’ll keep her on as the family pet, though. I kinda dig the way she sits in my lap while I work and purrs. It makes me a happy editor, and that makes all the empty red pens more tolerable.