by Kelli Collins
**Note: “Fun” as in “making fun of”. Because that’s how I roll.**
I see a lot of original adjective use during the course of an average submission read. And that’s cool. I’d rather authors take a stab and get creative, even if it ultimately doesn’t work, rather than bear witness to the word “hot” or “wet” 192 times in a 10K sub. Again. Adjective abuse, my friends, is no laughing matter.
I’m lying. It’s funnier than a rubber crutch. Especially when the adjective lends impossible action to body parts. That’s the best. For instance, we’ve all read about the mythical Pulsing Penis, right? I hate to be a wuss but if my man stalks toward me with his love muscle visibly pulsing, I’m frickin’ outta there. Or setting him up as a human carnival ride and making a TON of money.
Lately, I’ve seen a lot of what I suspect is the female counterpart to the glut of pulsing penises—the Fluttering Pussy. And after pausing to pull myself together because the very sight of those words together makes me giggle like a five-year-old, I just shrug and let it go. Because most authors can restrain themselves from using a humdinger like that over and over and over. I mean, something that phenomenal should be reserved for special occasions, right? Sort of like your heirloom china or your best rubber sheets.
Then I read a sub last week that used the magical phrase 34 times. Now, I know it was probably meant in the “throbbing” definition of the word, but still…34 times. I had to make fun, right?
And of course I have to share the fun that resulted from that fun, right?
Right. So for those of you not down with the Twitter, please enjoy the Tweet spawned by this abundance of Fluttering Pussies, along with some of the responses. And authors…you don’t have to choose your adjectives with more care. But you might end up in a post if you don’t. You’ve been warned. *evil grin*
@EditMeThis: The book I’m currently reading is chock-full of “fluttering” vajayjays. #fly! #flyawayvajajay
@caitmiller: I can see where a vajayjay would flutter…but not so much it’s in danger of taking off.
@DelDryden: LOL Okay I’m picturing like some sort of SF/F horror thing where the fluttering vajayjay is 1st clue she’s an alien. Not good.
@AnnMayburn: I’ve heard of fluttering your eyelashes to get a man’s attention…maybe my flirting techniques have been too subtle.
@Christine_dAbo: I hate it when that happens.
@shainorton: Please tell me they don’t also have butterfly tattoos.
@victoriablisse: I am pretty sure my vajayjay has never fluttered. Unless it was very windy I suppose…
@andrewtshaffer: Flying vajayjays? Say it ain’t so.
@marifreeman: Noooo. Stay, vajayjay. Stay.
@sommer_marsden: Oh look! There goes one! Hand me the net…
@LeighElwood: I need to read this now.
Friday, May 13, 2011
by Kelli Collins