Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Contest Winners! Worst First Line

Okay, the winners of our Worst First Line contest!

Romance:

CKHB for:
Lacey was once again thinking of Chad and their recent breakup; she had thought they were meant to be together forever, like strawberries and champagne,but it turned out that they had been more like peanut butter and jelly, which went together beautifully in a sandwich, but were never meant to be together too close for too long, like those jars at the grocery that had the peanut butter and jelly together in the same jar with the striped pattern, which seems like a good idea in theory -- everything you want in one place, after all -- but then when you actually see teh product in real life it just looks ridiculous and unpalatable on the shelf, and you don't even want to think about what it would look like when spread onto the bread...yes, she decided, moving in together had been the thing that killed the relationship.

Extra points for making that all one sentence!

Mystery:

Bill Greer for:

Detective Paul Tightshirt studied the tangled bodies and figured the first guy was already dead and floating naked down the Cuyahoga River when the second guy committed suicide by jumping off the bridge into the river, landing on top of the first guy, and their immoral coupling was a million-in-one shot.

Notice the suck-up? Bill, are you a local guy? Not many people know the Cuyahoga River. (Well, except for those decades-old photos of it being on fire.)

SciFi:

Sandy Campbell for:

It was a dark and stormy night, not your usual kind of stormy but that gloppy kind of precipitation they get on Pselit Prime, not really wet but only kind of wet and oozy when it got on your skin like that rash you get sometimes in the warm, moist crevices of your body . . . that said, Ace Space Pilot Phil Rooterrocket walked into his favorite Intergalactic whore house with a swagger that made tongues hang out and that was just the aliens, anyway, Phil was just there to check out the action and hook up with his favorite space mechanic, Chic Heir Armpit who had been trying for years to hide the secret baby she'd conceived while on a long space haul with three or four (her memory was a little fuzzy at that point) really hot guys from the planet Goober, only the little bundle of joy just wouldn't stay hidden inside the voluminous, luxurious velvet nap of her oversized cape ever since he'd turned twenty.

OMG, this is one sentence even longer than the romance winner!

Special Award:

To Barbara Elsborg, for all three of her entries! Fantastic, especially the SciFi one.

Romance:
Mary hadn’t realized when she grabbed the zombie by his penis that it would come off in her hand, but not in a good way.

Mystery:
If Jack saw another pink-spotted thong, he’d have to put it on no matter what the policeman thought.

Sci fi:
Long ago, on the planet of Efterhjyern, there lived a woman called Prhhtukjsellg who had two children, Neelhuhwhel and Bob who were determined to find the golden dildo before the monks of Wkkuherkjk-t realized what they had in their hands and sold it to the Hffierhbjhtts from planet Mkkeuuyel.

Okay, winners, you get a free e-book of your choice from Ellora's Cave (www.ellorascave.com) or Cerridwen Press (www.cerridwenpress.com). Email your choice plus the format you need it in to Martha@ellorascave.com, and she'll send you the file.

10 comments:

Bill Greer said...

I am well aware of the Cuyahoga River. I grew up outside Cleveland and went to high school and college in Cleveland when river and lake pollution were at is worst. We used to play in Lake Erie and push the dead fish out of our way.

Burn on, big river, burn on.

Now I live in the mountains of Vermont with verdant hillsides, boisterous wildlife (the deer keep trying to attack my car), and not a damn thing is within a short drive from the house.

I'll let my wife choose which book she wants from your catalog. She enjoyed the last one.

FictionGroupie said...

Barbara's romance line is awesomeness, lol.

Crystal-Rain Love said...

"and their immoral coupling was a million-in-one shot"

LMAO! That is hysterical!

Ms Snarky Pants said...

Those are awesome! Congrats all!

CKHB said...

Woo-hoo!!!! Off to investigate my choices!

Barbara Elsborg said...

Ooh, thank you, though it's a bit sad to win a prize for terrible first lines but of course I'm delighted to accept and I'd like to thank my parents for having given birth to me, well not my dad obviously though he had to be there, I think, but then again he did always say I looked like the postman - and I'd also like to thank Mr. Toshiba for not switching off in that random, fun way he uses to tease me when I'm in the middle of a sex scene, my husband, friends, neighbours, everyone who knows me but NOT my son who has lumbered me with his dog, a Mount Everest of ironing, a bathroom that requires a mask and rubber gloves from thirty feet away and his final parting gift - the flu.

Elaine Lowe said...

Oh boy, I needed this laugh! Great (or not so great) job everyone!

Joanna Waugh said...

Kudos to all! You made my day.

ECPI Editors said...

Oh lawdy, now we have to give Barbara an award for her "acceptance speech". ;-)

Raelene

CKHB said...

(I sent my email to you, please let me know if you did not receive it!)