Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Wanted: Your Worst First Lines

In an attempt to ward off the end-of-summer blahs, we here at Redlines and Deadlines are hosting our first-ever worst first line contest!

We've had a best and worst last line contest, and we've had a best first line contest, but we figured that sometimes coming up with horrible lines is more entertaining than coming up with great ones.

There are three categories: Mystery, Romance, and SciFi/Fantasy.

To participate, leave a comment with the absolute worst first line that you can create. Be sure to indicate which category. Original sentences only, please, nothing from someone's published book.

Contest will close on September 11. The winner in each category will receive a free Ellora's Cave or Cerridwen Press e-book of their choice.

34 comments:

ClothDragon said...

"Once upon a time, I was fresh-made, turkey on pumpernickel, with just a little mustard for flavor, with my olive-eyes sitting next to me on the plate, but they left me to get dry and stale as they argued in the next room."

ClothDragon said...

Oh, sorry, that was Romance. Mystery would have been too obvious.

Blayne Edwards said...

You want romance? I'll show you some romance.

"Only Brit could manage to step in a huge steaming pile of dog shit and then bump into the man of her dreams whilst trying to scrape it off."

You think you can be more romantic than that?

Bring it, bitches.

Ms Snarky Pants said...

Blayne, I dunno that one is actually really awesome for romantic comedy. LOL

*Cracks fingers* Here I go...

Little did she know when she left her transvestite husband to join the circus that she'd find her soulmate there dressed in giant floppy shoes and a squeaky nose.

Christina K. said...

"It was a dark and stormy night when she met him quivering naked in the rain in front of a rehab center"

-Romnace

Christina Gullickson said...

"But, doctor, how can I get rid of the genital warts by tonight?" James asked, thinking of six hours from now, when he would convince the woman of his dreams they were meant to be together forever.


... Romance, of course.

Karla Doyle said...

Locking eyes with the sexy man in the car beside her, she instantly regretted her current mining endeavour.

Romance!

Tara said...

Sci fi/fantasy:

The snarks didn't like the flarks, as everyone in Fairyland knew.

Debra Glass said...

Historical Romance:

The turbulent sky was the same color as Lady Greenleigh Sinclair's eyes.

jean hart stewart said...

Smelling like a rosebud was not her forte. (romance)

Sam Cheever said...

"Egor was so horny he'd started eying the village goats."

Romance...what else!

Ashley said...

Mystery: The killer jumped through the jimmied window, landing with all the stealth of a cat, and promptly scratched his testicles, pondering the possibilities of Helga Snartflyer's beer selection. He opened the fridge, and was disappointed to see it was all American; doesn't anyone spend the extra few bucks on imports anymore?

ddurance said...

I remember, in great detail and with the fondest of memories, the date I met the man of my dreams, for just that morning I woke up with an extreme case of explosive diarrhea.

Romance

Deidre

ddurance said...

The rapist/serial killer was none other than my highschool chemistry teacher.

Mystery

Deidre

ddurance said...

I awoke from my human dream of being a mermaid to find that I was actually a sex android sent from the planet Quickie.

Sci-fi

Deidre

Barbara Elsborg said...

Romance

Mary hadn’t realized when she grabbed the zombie by his penis that it would come off in her hand, but not in a good way.

Mystery

If Jack saw another pink-spotted thong, he’d have to put it on no matter what the policeman thought.


Sci fi

Long ago, on the planet of Efterhjyern, there lived a woman called Prhhtukjsellg who had two children, Neelhuhwhel and Bob who were determined to find the golden dildo before the monks of Wkkuherkjk-t realized what they had in their hands and sold it to the Hffierhbjhtts from planet Mkkeuuyel.

Amy said...

Sci-fi:
Jetting across the salt-flats at speeds previously unknown to man, Jack was amazed because he didn’t know the speedster could go that fast.


Mystery:

Knowing that Brandon’s murderer had died gruesomely was cold comfort to Christine, like a blanket drying on a clothes line in winter, but had to be brought in because it was time for bed and that was the only blanket she owned.

Anonymous said...

Barbara your sci-fi was hilarious. I can't stop laughing now.

barbara elsborg said...

Well, it's totally my problem with sic fi and fantasy - I'm lost by the end of page one. No wonder I pick simple names for my stories!!

MsSnarkyPants said...

I'm with Anon, Barbara, that is awesome! LOL Do think all the kids in Efterhjyern elementary school made fun of Bob for his name? hehe

Bill Greer said...

Romance:

Kerry Klepto was smiling at Brian, the museum's hunky security guard, when the jewel dropped from somewhere under her skirt, and she knew that Brian knew exactly where she'd hidden it, and thought to herself that she'd picked the wrong day to wear crotchless panties.

Bill Greer said...

Mystery:

Detective Paul Tightshirt studied the tangled bodies and figured the first guy was already dead and floating naked down the Cuyahoga River when the second guy committed suicide by jumping off the bridge into the river, landing on top of the first guy, and their immoral coupling was a million-in-one shot.

Barbara Elsborg said...

Oh I like your mystery Bill!! Made me laugh!

Jim said...

"Slowly, my vision adjusted to the dim, smoky bar, and from across the room I caught her eye. Imagine my delight when I realized that it was her good eye."

Barbara Elsborg said...

well caught!!

CKHB said...

I had a worst first line contest on my own blog just last month! Let's see if I can perform the feat myself...

Romance:

Lacey was once again thinking of Chad and their recent breakup: she had thought they were meant to be together forever, like strawberries and champagne, but it turned out that they had been more like peanut butter and jelly, which went together beautifully in a sandwich, but were never meant to be together too close for too long, like those jars at the grocery that had the peanut butter and jelly together in the same jar in a striped pattern, which seems like a good idea in theory -- everything you want in one place, after all -- but then when you actually see the product in real life it just looks ridiculous and unpalatable on the shelf, and you don't even want to think about what it would look like when spread onto the bread... yes, she decided, moving in together had been the thing that killed the relationship.

I'm especially loving Barbara's sci fi, and Amy and Bill's mysteries.

CKHB said...

Mystery:

The detectives eyed each other suspiciously over the most recent crime scene: another pink and orange box, empty but for a few crumbs, and the air filled with the certain knowledge that none of them would rest until they had figured out who was stealing the donuts.

CKHB said...

Sci-Fi/Fantasy:

"No!" the fairy/faerie/vampire/zombie/angel/demon/wizard cried, flinging away the stacks of comics and novels, including several Harry Potter and Twilight books, "none of these stupid humans are getting any of this right! I'm just going to have to write the truth myself."

from the epic, 250K-word fantasy faux-memoir, "I Will Crush You With My Magic If You Don't Start Getting Your Facts Right, Stupid Humans." Sort of like Memoirs of a Geisha, but with a zombie-fae-vamp-angel-thing as the narrator.

Viv Arend said...

Mystery:

The issue of the leaking--nay, spurting with wild enthusiasm through the multi-pin prickled latex--condom was a perplexing one, thought William O'Shea, as he mentally considered which of his 'friends' had loaned him the booby-trapped latex bomb.

Gail said...

I'm a ghost because I'm dead.

(Paranormal)

I know it's not mystery, romance, or fantasy.

I just thought it was funny, but then I'm weird.

Gail

Bill Greer said...

Scifi:

I didn't think it was fair that the Grizzamakkers . . Grizamackers . . . aliens had deadly lasers built into their index fingers and it just wasn't right that they could point their fingers at people and actually shoot them, so I had a laser cannon installed in my rectum, thinking I could bend over and tie my shoes and dispatch six or more of them at the same time, and then realized the deficiency of my idea when I had beans for lunch and the resulting fart blast killed Mrs. Felch's cat in the apartment below mine.

Sandy Campbell said...

Sci/Fi Fantasy

It was a dark and stormy night, not your usual kind of stormy but that gloppy kind of precipitation they get on Pselit Prime, not really wet but only kind of wet and oozy when it got on your skin like that rash you get sometimes in the warm, moist crevices of your body . . . that said, Ace Space Pilot Phil Rooterrocket walked into his favorite Intergalactic whore house with a swagger that made tongues hang out and that was just the aliens, anyway, Phil was just there to check out the action and hook up with his favorite space mechanic, Chic Heir Armpit who had been trying for years to hide the secret baby she'd conceived while on a long space haul with three or four (her memory was a little fuzzy at that point) really hot guys from the planet Goober, only the little bundle of joy just wouldn't stay hidden inside the voluminous, luxurious velvet nap of her oversized cape ever since he'd turned twenty.

Anonymous said...

I know I'm probably a bit late, but I had to get rid of this one...

"She'd never thought about the advantages of necrophilia before..."

(vampire romance)

;)

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