Thursday, October 25, 2007

Eewy, Icky Euphemisms

There are some words and phrases that should never be used to describe a character's "private parts". We swear we did not make these up--this is a selection of phrases from actual submissions of romance manuscripts. There is nothing the least sensual or romantic about any of these.

Thirteen Eewy, Icky Euphemisms

Hers (you know, her pussy, cunt, vagina, clit)

1. aching oozing entrance
2. clutching coming cavern
3. cum hole
4. inflamed seeping tunnel
5. pleading pouting gate of her vagina
6. pulse-pounding swamp of love and cum
7. ultrasensitive cum-covered bud
8. southernmost slippery lips
9. soaking, smothering cave
10. drenched hair-topped cavern
11. bloated pulsing bud
12. constricted, battered hole
13. contracting crease

His (cock, penis)

1. buffeting brick-of-a-bat
2. engorged cylindrical monster
3. near-spurting spear
4. object of her oral affection
5. spherical head with its narrow semen-spitting slit
6. thick, long rope of granite
7. torturous tube
8. one-eyed purple-headed yogurt slinger
9. white marble battering ram
10. ready-to-pop pole
11. pointy protrusion
12. bulbous buffeting baton
13. albino boa constrictor


Tilly Greene said...

Ick is so right, although some made me laugh - okay, mainly the guys :-)

Tortured tube - really, isn't a dick supposed to be pleased as punched to be hard and ready to play? Same with the ready-to-pop pole, this could be the only chance to get off in days, months, years, take the opportunity and play nicely!

Spy Scribbler said...

Inflamed, seeping tunnel? Yikes! Ya' gotta major infection down there, honey.

one-eyed purple-headed yogurt slinger Oh boy.

One euphemism I absolutely loved was when one of Erin McCarthy's characters referred to a man's cock as a "thingamabob." It was funny and brilliant, mostly because it said so much about the heroine's character.

Unknown said...

Pretty interesting, and funny. You should also compile a list of accepted nomenclature, ok words and phrases, to talk about the same old body parts so it stays interesting without tipping over into flights of fantastical impossibilities.
Mlyn Hurn, please.

Heather said...

Those were just...dang, I'm without words. Awful just doesn't seem to cover it. Horrid still not strong enough. Gagging, most definitely. Ewwwwwww certainly covers it as well.

Damn, now those icky works will echo in my head all dang day. So long as they DON'T reappear on the page, I should be fine. Next time put a gag factor warning on there or something, LOL

TJ Michaels said...

OH. MY FRICKIN. GOD! ROFL! I know they're supposed to be disgusting but I can't stop laughing!


Marisa Chenery said...

OK, I can't stop laughing at those ha ha. Have to wonder how they came up with them. To say they are orginial is an understatement LOL.


StarvingWriteNow said...


I'm having a vision, folks, and it ain't pretty!


Unknown said...

OMG I'm with TJ! I'm laughing my fool head off here.

Susan Helene Gottfried said...

I can't decide if I'm amused or horrified. And I'm with Spy about that infection. Maybe see a doctor?

My goodness. My hat goes off to you editors. The things you see!

RK Sterling said...

These are hysterical. The ones for women sound like they were written by misogynists (or gynecologists tired of dealing with infections), and the ones for guys must have been written by teenage males. :)

So, so funny.

beckyzoole said...

ready-to-pop pole

My husband's response to this list, after he got over the coughing fit from laughing so hard:

"Poley pop, poley pop, the magic treat,
As much fun to make as it is to eat!"


You left out my personal eew favorite euphmism for penis:
tallywhacker. That just makes me cringe. Takes me back to my Georgia roots when Mama explained the birds and bees to me by saying: "Well, a husband puts his tallywhacker into his wife's sugar..."

Okay, I knew what a tallywhacker was. My mom owned an AKC kennel where she bred cockers, pekes, and Boston Terriers. At the naive age of twelve, from my mother's explanation, I had an image of one of her bulldogs putting his thing into the sugar bowl.

I never took sugar from that bowl again.

Abney said...

that's it... I am NEVER having sex with any of those people ~AW

Cora Zane said...

Okay, most are just plain gross. Others are funny. But One-eyed purple-headed yogurt slinger? *_*

BWAhahahahaha!!! What heroine wouldn't die laughing if a hero said anything like that to her?

Stacia said...

"Swamp of love and cum"?

Oh, dear.

Julia Phillips Smith said...

Beckyzoole's husband made me laugh the hardest.

Chrissy said...

That's just... way beyond disturbing.

K. Z. Snow said...

Oh please don't hate and/or reject me for this, but I love some of those! C'mon, give up points for creativity...emergency-room-strained though the metaphors and similes might be.

Honest to god(dess), makes me miss being an editor.

Kate Willoughby said...

Holy cow. Those are hilarious.

"Contracting crease" makes me think of a sci-fi B-movie where the humans are desperately trying to return to Earth and they must make it through the contracting crease before it closes forever. LOL

Unknown said...

*dies laughing*

You have to admit, they are creative. I love the yogurt one. Could it be that they were trying for humor, as misdirected as they were? (I know I'm being hopeful, but still... I just hope the people who came up with these aren't reading them)

Oh my gosh. Highlight of my day, right there.

Denise Rossetti said...

OMG, those are just horrendous! My all time favourite is 18th century slang for the male genitalia -

trouble giblets

Doncha love it? Only problem is, if I think about trouble giblets too much in certain - ahem - situations, I get the giggles.

Bernita said...

Real people actually wrote these?

Robin S. said...

Those create some scary visual images. **shudder**

Amy Ruttan said...

Ummm most of those sound diseased.