Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Bad Sex in Fiction Award

The fourteenth annual Literary Review Bad Sex in Fiction Awards took place last week. Definitely go read the finalists!

Finalists: http://www.literaryreview.co.uk/badsexpassages.html

Who could resist sex scenes with lines like these?

If Dawn Madden's breasts were a pair of Danishes, Debby Crombie's got two Space Hoppers. Each armed with a gribbly nipple. Tom Yew kissed them in turn and his saliva glistened in the April sun. (Black Swan Green by David Mitchell)

And it swept over her like surf sweeping over sand then falling back and sweeping up over the sand again and falling back. Images went off in her head like little fireworks. The smell of coconut. Brass firedogs. The starched bolster in her parents' bed. (A Spot of Bother by Mark Haddon)

And then before her inner eye, a tide of words leaped high and free, a chaotic joy like frothing rapids: truncate, adjudicate, fornicate, frivolous, rivulet, violet, oriole, orifice, conifer, aquifer, allegiance, alacrity ... all the words this time not a crowding but a heavenly chain, an ostrich fan, a vision as much as an orgasm, (The Whole World Over by Julia Glass)

He slid a hand beneath her arse and guided the tip of his organ between the folds of her matrix. The first half-inch was cold, and moist only with brine, and he encountered stiff resistance which, while not without appeal, made him fear for a moment that he might do her an injury if he pressed on with excess zeal. (The Religion by Tim Willocks)

"Mouffette? She's a papillon ... a sort of French ladies' lapdog."
"A - You say," gears in his mind beginning to crank, " 'lap' - French ... lap-dog?" Somehow gathering that Ruperta had trained her toy spaniel to provide intimate "French" caresses of the tongue for the pleasure of its mistress.
"Well! you two are ... pretty close then, I guess?"
"I wuv my ickle woofwoof, ess I doo!" ...
His thoughts taking wing. The day alone with a French "lap" dog! who might be more than happy to do for Reef what she was obviously already doing for old 'Pert here! who in fact, m-maybe all this time's been just droolin' for one-them penises for a change, and will turn out to know plenty of tricks! A-and- ... (Against the Day by Thomas Pynchon)


Barbara Elsborg said...

Is it wrong to laugh? oops

Unknown said...

This is why most men should not be allowed to write sex scenes. I say most because there are some who really 'get' it...in more ways than one but that's usually *after* they write the scene and their significant other reads it. Those men who relate sex to purple prose porn should be forced to read Green Eggs and Ham until they go quietly insane.

Chris Redding said...

The last one.

Crystal-Rain Love said...

These are PUBLISHED books??? Wow.

Tracey H. Kitts said...

Wow. I feel a little guilty for laughing so hard. I agree with WindLegendsWriter. Most men should not write sex. This is just ... bad.

Blayne Edwards said...



As in pine tree?!


Marie-Nicole Ryan said...

OMG! I'm speechless.

Unknown said...

"He slid a hand beneath her arse and guided the tip of his organ between the folds of her matrix." I particularly liked this one. I may never look at sex again in the same way...esp the bit about brine...wasn't aware fish sex was a genre