The Literary Review has announced the finalists for the annual Bad Sex in Fiction award. The bad sex prize was established "to draw attention to the crude and often perfunctory use of redundant passages of sexual description in the modern novel – and to discourage it".
The Fifty Shades trilogy by E.L. James is not included; it does not qualify for the contest "because the prize's rubric explicitly excludes pornographic and erotic literature".
The winner will be announced at a lavish ceremony in London in December.
The shortlist of nominees, with quotes from the sex scenes. OMG, just cover my eyes.
• The Quiddity of Wilf Self, by Sam Mills
"Down, down, on to the eschatological bed. Pages chafed me; my blood wept onto them. My cheek nestled against the scratch of paper. My cock was barely a ghost, but I did not suffer panic."
• Noughties, by Ben Masters
"We got up from the chair and she led me to her elfin grot, getting amongst the pillows and cool sheets. We trawled each other's bodies for every inch of history."
• Back to Blood, by Tom Wolfe
"Now his big generative jockey was inside her pelvic saddle, riding, riding, riding, and she was eagerly swallowing it swallowing it swallowing it with the saddle's own lips and maw — all this without a word."
• Rare Earth by Paul Mason
"He began thrusting wildly in the general direction of her chrysanthemum, but missing — his paunchy frame shuddering with the efford of remaining rigid and upside down."
• The Yips by Nicola Barker
"She smells of almonds, like a plump Bakewell pudding; and he is the spoon, the whipped cream, the helpless dollop of warm custard."
• Infrared by Nancy Huston
"This is when I take my picture, from deep inside the loving. The Canon is part of my body. I myself am the ultrasensitive film — capturing invisible reality, capturing heat."
• The Divine Comedy by Craig Raine
"And he came. Like a wubbering springboard. His ejaculate jumped the length of her arm. Eight diminishing gouts. The first too high for her to lick. Right on the shoulder."
• The Adventuress: The Irresistible Rise of Miss Cath Fox by Nicholas Coleridge
"In seconds the duke had lowered his trousers and boxers and positioned himself across a leather steamer trunk, emblazoned with the royal arms of Hohenzollern Castle. 'Give me no quarter,' he commanded. 'Lay it on with all your might.'"