Friday, May 13, 2011

Fun With Adjectives

by Kelli Collins

**Note: “Fun” as in “making fun of”. Because that’s how I roll.**

I see a lot of original adjective use during the course of an average submission read. And that’s cool. I’d rather authors take a stab and get creative, even if it ultimately doesn’t work, rather than bear witness to the word “hot” or “wet” 192 times in a 10K sub. Again. Adjective abuse, my friends, is no laughing matter.

I’m lying. It’s funnier than a rubber crutch. Especially when the adjective lends impossible action to body parts. That’s the best. For instance, we’ve all read about the mythical Pulsing Penis, right? I hate to be a wuss but if my man stalks toward me with his love muscle visibly pulsing, I’m frickin’ outta there. Or setting him up as a human carnival ride and making a TON of money.

Lately, I’ve seen a lot of what I suspect is the female counterpart to the glut of pulsing penises—the Fluttering Pussy. And after pausing to pull myself together because the very sight of those words together makes me giggle like a five-year-old, I just shrug and let it go. Because most authors can restrain themselves from using a humdinger like that over and over and over. I mean, something that phenomenal should be reserved for special occasions, right? Sort of like your heirloom china or your best rubber sheets.

Then I read a sub last week that used the magical phrase 34 times. Now, I know it was probably meant in the “throbbing” definition of the word, but still…34 times. I had to make fun, right?

And of course I have to share the fun that resulted from that fun, right?

Right. So for those of you not down with the Twitter, please enjoy the Tweet spawned by this abundance of Fluttering Pussies, along with some of the responses. And authors…you don’t have to choose your adjectives with more care. But you might end up in a post if you don’t. You’ve been warned. *evil grin*

Original Tweet:

@EditMeThis: The book I’m currently reading is chock-full of “fluttering” vajayjays. #fly! #flyawayvajajay


@caitmiller: I can see where a vajayjay would flutter…but not so much it’s in danger of taking off.

@DelDryden: LOL Okay I’m picturing like some sort of SF/F horror thing where the fluttering vajayjay is 1st clue she’s an alien. Not good.

@AnnMayburn: I’ve heard of fluttering your eyelashes to get a man’s attention…maybe my flirting techniques have been too subtle.

@Christine_dAbo: I hate it when that happens.

@shainorton: Please tell me they don’t also have butterfly tattoos.

@victoriablisse: I am pretty sure my vajayjay has never fluttered. Unless it was very windy I suppose…

@andrewtshaffer: Flying vajayjays? Say it ain’t so.

@marifreeman: Noooo. Stay, vajayjay. Stay.

@sommer_marsden: Oh look! There goes one! Hand me the net…

@LeighElwood: I need to read this now.


Anonymous said...

Simply orsum! I bet "fluttering" is the new "quivering." Though I'm not entirely sure a pussy can quiver either. :/

(Now I'm totally brainstorming a blog post titled "What Can a Pussy Do?")

(Or maybe 101 Things to Do With Your Pussy)

Ria Cruz said...

Haha too funny.

Syneca said...

Pounding head on desk howling. Kelli you should have your own show!

Anonymous said...

@Daisy: Or maybe 101 Things Your Vajayjay Can't Do

Kelli C

Shoshanna Evers said...

Wait, we're not allowed to write pulsing penis? *checks recent mss in panic* LOL. No seriously.

Mary Ellen Quigley said...

Lol! I'm not sure the word pulsing or fluttering should be in any sex scene. Too funny! You know it's bad when you find yourself laughing instead of being into the romance of the moment.

Barbara Elsborg said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

"Even now you are incapable of mercy."

The Princess to Longshanks

kelly said...

ROFL! Your whole post has me laughing! But now I'm going to check my WIP...

Katalina Leon said...

Funny to you Ms. Collins but not a bit funny to those rare suffers of a very real and serious affliction "Fluttering Pussy Syndrome" (Sin-drome?) FPS is a silent stalker that cripples lives and leaves many with flushed cheeks, elevated heart rate and damp panties. Anyone who's ever experienced the embarrassment and terror of having their pussy-lips wildly flutter and suddenly take flight in public, knows this shame. It's not funny when fluttering pussy lips blow one's skirt high into the air. Many un-warned readers of erotic romance unwitting overdose on Alpha males and develop this socially isolating affliction, which can strike at anytime anywhere. I say this: EVERY ELLORA'S CAVE ROMANTICA SHOULD COME WITH A BLACK BOX WARNING-THIS BOOK CONTAINS PULSING, TURGID ALPHA MALES AND MAY CAUSE FLUTTERING PUSSY SYNDROME.
Its the right thing to do.

Anonymous said...

ROFL OMG, Kat! You are loaded for bear, baby! LOADED. FOR. BEAR!!!!!

: )

Anonymous said...

Do it again.

I dare you.

Anonymous said...

Kat...brilliant. Will you marry me? *what* again??

Kelli Collins

ECPI Editors said...

Recent article in Women's Health Magazine listed favorite (funniest) slang for the vajayjay. The winner was "panty hamster". I will never be able to have a small pet again.

(Hey, maybe that's how all those apochryphal stories about hamsters inserted up the backdoor got started.)


Anonymous said...

Dude! Don't make fun! My bff's sister's third grade teacher's dad's second wife's daughter had this illness.

Tried to go swimming one day, got a cramp... we ended up riding in an ambulance. siiigh. Poor dear. At least she met a cute doctor at the hospital.

Daisy, quivering and fluttering remind me of something my cell phone does... It's a flip phone! LOL